KANE’S COFFEE TUTORIAL

INT.THE GRINDER – DAY

FADE IN

We see KANE through the shaky point of view of a camera he is holding as he tries to position it on the counter.

He is stood next to a dirty coffee machine.

He is clearly nervous, sweating profusely. He clears his throat.

KANE

How to make a brand standard latte, lesson one. What you’ll need is a jug, a thermometer, err milk and… a coffee machine. If you don’t have any of these then… well you can’t make a latte so you may as well stop watching. First, pour the milk into the jug like so.

Kane sloppily pours some milk into a jug with a thermometer clipped to its side. He spills most of the milk on the surface.

KANE

Doesn’t matter if you spill some. Just make sure you have a cloth so you can just…

Kane swipes the milk off the counter in one swoop not looking where he’s aiming.

LISA is walking past Kane. He flings milk all down her top. Lisa looks furious. She takes a deep breath and leaves as if it’s the only way she can refrain from hitting Kane.

KANE

Sorted. Now place the steam arm just underneath the surface of the milk to texturise it.

Kane places the steam arm in the jug.

KANE

Now, what you need to remember is that the steam that comes out is hotter than boiling water so you can seriously hurt yourself doing this.

Kane presents a burn-covered wrist to the camera.

He then returns to the jug and begins to steam the milk.

 

KANE

Texturise for a few seconds then put the steam arm at the bottom of the jug. Then just leave it until it gets to a hundred and forty degrees.

Kane is concentrating hard on the jug.

We see ROB’s head up close, upside down in Kane’s camera looking confused. He starts to pull faces and other rude gestures ruining the video. Kane has not noticed.

Rob moves his head away revealing Kane still deeply concentrating on the jug.

KANE

Aaaaaand… done.

Kane is about to turn the steam arm off.

Lisa has come back to the counter – clean, ELLEN has come with her.

Rob shouts abruptly.

ROB

KANE!

Kane is completely taken off guard and jumps out of his skin.

KANE

Ahh!

The steam arm has moved resulting in hot milk exploding into the air. Again, drenching Lisa although this time, painful.

Ellen takes a selfie of her and a drenched Lisa.

Lisa screams as she wipes milk from her face.

LISA

You total fucking arsehole Kane!

Kane is pale in the face dreading the wrath of Lisa.

KANE

I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!

Kane attempts to wipe her down but she bats his hand away ferociously.

LISA

Don’t ever touch me! EVER. You are aware there’s a queue! What the hell is that!?

KANE

(sheepish)

It’s my tutorial for new staff.

LISA

New staff!? Like you can afford to take on new staff! You had to lower my wage last month! I’ll serve shall I?

Lisa serves a customer. The customer is shocked.

CUSTOMER

Erm…two small lattes please…to go.

LISA

I don’t bloody blame you.

Kane looks to the camera then at Lisa then back at the camera.

KANE

(quietly)

May as well carry on. Once you’ve finished steaming the milk, wipe the steam arm in an up and down motion to avoid cross contamination.

Kane wipes the steam arm. Lisa places a note with the order on next to Kane.

KANE

Rob always says you just have to pretend the steam arm is something else to get a real good shine on it… not quite sure what he means by that. He said Lisa would know all about it.

LISA

Excuse me?

KANE

The steam arm, you know all about the right motion don’t you? Getting that shine right on the end.

LISA

Right!

Lisa grabs Kane’s hand, places it flat on the bottom of the coffee machine and turns the steam arm on, scolding his palm.

Kane howls in agony. He looks at his bloody mess of a hand, wipes a tear and quickly turns off the camera.

 

LUKE DELANEY

 

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